d sense of what friendship entails, i have recently discovered.
people yell at me for no justified reason. basically taking out their stress on me.
people ask me to come over, and then go out without even telling me, so i can alter my plans.
people seem to think i have nothing better to do than answer to their every whim.

since i have been put on this contract thing, which means i can only talk to staff and qualified people about how im feeling and my problems, the other students here are making this whole thing a hell of a lot harder than it already is for me. they ask me to tell them whats wrong when im upset, and when i say i cant, they keep pestering me. its not for not wanting to tell them that i dont, its that i cant. this is the last place that will accept me. if i screw this up then i dont know where i would go. probably to my grave. yet they keep pestering me. its hard for me. i want to tell them but they dont seem to understand that i cant, and them asking all the time is making things worse.
im fed up of being used by my friends. they want to see me, but then something better comes along and they do that instead. fine. but they could at least have the fucking decency to tell me im no longer required. its like they just want to see me when they have nothing to do. like im some sort of entertainment. well its obviously crap entertainment if they would rather do something else and not even bother to tell me. im really fucked off right now.

I AM NOT A FUCKING PLAY THING FOR YOUR AMUSMENT. I AM A HUMAN BEING AND I DESERVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT, NOT TO BE TOYED WITH AND USED.

oh yeah. why does everyone think i want to have fucking sex with them?! obviously i must be giving off this 'i want sex' aura. but then, anyone who wants sex with me must be fucking desperate.
GET THIS THROUGH YOUR HEADS, I AM NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN UNTIL IM MARRIED, GOT IT?
good. glad to get that off my chest. but i suppose it doesnt really help with the staff putting up posters for free condoms at college does it.
sometimes i think i want to be alone for the rest of my life. everyone ive gone out with has wanted stuff from me that they know i cant give. some even told me the truth, and im really proud of them for doing so, that they cant deal with my moods. i respect that. i dont like that it ended, but im glad for the truth. im glad for them not yelling at me. im glad that they cared, even if they dont anymore.
if i could change one thing though, i would have tried harder to sort my self out properly so i would still be with phil. but hes happy now, happier than i could have ever made him. i would like to find that special someone, but i doubt i will to be honest. i even learned to love phil. the only person i have ever had that love, that i would die for them, that i would do anything to make them smile, BEFORE going out with them, would be tom. i miss him. im not saying i had no feelings for my other boyfriends that ive had. i had. just nothing as strong and as overwhelming as tom.
im not saying this to make anyone feel bad or angry. its just how i feel, and how ive been treated this past week. i thought things would be different here. that id have friends that tried to do whats best for me and help me when i needed it. i now know that i was stupid for believing that. so fucking stupid.